From Ballet's Pointe of View

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I haven’t eaten at all today. And the smell of her grilled cheese wafts slowly and torturously towards me. The hunger is so intense it’s causing me to feel light headed and dizzy, of course that could be caused by the two cups of coffee that I drank on an empty stomach. It’s been a while since I have restricted and this is my second day. I forgot how hard it is. Ana is still being patient, of course the closest I have gotten to defying her is putting sugar in my coffee. So her temper is under control as of right now. I think, secretly she is afraid that I will over power her if she is mean to me right now. I was able to ignore her knocking for almost three months. She has just managed to wiggle her way back into my life. She is like an abusive lover, and she knows I am close to kicking her out forever and never letting her back. But I know that I wont, and she does too. So we don’t talk about it. But we talk about other things. She congratulates me on my foggy mind, reminding me its because of hunger, and that any and all side effects of hunger are good. Except dehidration. Mustn’t get dehidrated. Because if you do, you feint. And if you feint they make you eat. Can’t have that. Can’t contamenate your body. Must stay clean. I am clean today. A freshly cleaned bedroom that the only part you missed is the very corners. Which as of right now have sugar in them. “But that’s okay” she says. Those words are so rare that I have a fear I may cry from happiness. Ana never praises me. So when she does it’s something I treasure forever. Ana and I don’t work well together. But we’re working on it. And I am trying. I must make this relationship work, for her, for me, for skinny… I can’t fuck it up this time. 

She is chuckling in the backgroung “No,” she smiles, a dark, menacing smile that chills my already weirdly cold bones, “no, you can’t fuck it up this time. You have too many times before” She is gone. No. Not gone. Just silent. But that is good enough, I could use some peace and quiet in my mind for a while.